Access Atlanta > Movies > Blog > Archives > 2007 > September > 07 > Entry
Thou shalt not assume remakes are recent trend
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Oh font of movie knowledge, can you answer a question for me? I seem to remember that there was a movie entitled “The Ten Commandments” that was made before the one that Charlton Heston was in.
BARBARA SCHWARTZ, Jensen Beach, Fla.
Dear Oh Lack of Movie Knowledge,
Are you one of those moviegoers who thinks remakes are a particularly nasty enterprise exclusive to present times?
Know that Hollywood is a land of suited egomaniacs who have yet to formulate a novel idea.
Behold! There was indeed a movie entitled “The Ten Commandments” that debuted in 1923 and was filmed at the behest of Cecil B. DeMille (the same Cecil B. who made Heston’s film more than three decades later).
The first “Ten” was a silent film and involved multiple stories, including Moses leading the Jews out of bondage in Egypt and subsequently bestowing upon them a list of do’s and don’ts, plus a modern-day tale of woe and such that begins with a mother reading the Bible to two sons.
I will also tell you — because if I don’t some other know-it-all will certainly feign superiority to me by blabbing it to you — that the 1923 effect of parting the Red Sea was attained by filming two blocks of blue gelatin set down side by side, heating them until they melted and then reversing the footage.
ALAN
P.S. You get a pair of “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” sunglasses (made in China, no less) and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Why do production companies release holiday themed movies months prior to the holiday. Such as in the case of “Halloween.” With Halloween being two months away, why not hold the movie until then?
LYNN TODD, Lake Worth, Fla.
Dear Boo,
I could say, “Why should the movies behave any differently than retail merchants who begin advertising Christmas before anyone says, ‘Trick or treat’?”
I could say that.
But I’d rather say that Rob Zombie, who directed the newfangled “Halloween,” is a moviemaker of minimal talent with a very limited audience. And since the end of August with its lower audience numbers is traditionally the special time of year to dump particularly lame movies on the paying public (hey, anybody out there see “Balls of Fury”?), it makes complete sense to place a lame moviemaker’s lame film on a lame box-office weekend.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “The Invasion” T-shirt (because, clearly, I’m housecleaning summer’s gifts) and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Why are the latest action movies being filmed in Jumblevision? After 40 minutes of “The Bourne Ultimatum,” I had to go throw up.
Why can’t the ratings system add another letter: J for Jumblevision; not suitable for people prone to motion sickness.
What can I do?
DIANE McALLISTER, Ely, Minn.
Dear Queasy,
For one thing, you can stay out of the roller coaster waiting line if you happen to notice I’m in it.
If you’re going to be throwing up cotton candy and funnel cakes, I’d prefer not to ride along.
I sympathize with you that a jittery camera (used in the case of “Bourne Ultimatum” and other movies to achieve a sense of heightened reality) makes your tummy go flip-flop.
But there are many moviegoers, especially one named Mr. Alan Smithee, who quite enjoy what you refer to as Jumblevision.
I suggest you pay close attention to movie previews of films you suspect might go all jumbly on you. And then stay away from those movies.
If the rating system simply must provide a “J” for you, then it will also have to employ a “C” designation for me as well.
“C” would alert me to the presence in any film of Carrot Top. Because I’ll be the first to admit that if I see him, I immediately throw up.
ALAN
P.S. You get a bottle of “28 Weeks Later” virus slime and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessatlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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