Access Atlanta > Movies > Blog > Archives > 2007 > July > 19 > Entry
Hollywood’s all about who’s got the biggest numbers
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Why is a movie’s popularity based on receipts instead of tickets sold? I know movies are all about money, but listing the number of tickets sold would make comparing the most popular movies from year to year much easier, without having to adjust for inflation.
JEFFREY FREEMAN, Alpharetta
Dear Right You Are,
Your logic is astounding, my son. And quite sound. The best way to judge the popularity of every movie would be to count the number of actual tickets sold.
Here’s why it will never happen:
Reason 1: Hollywood executives are the only individuals on the whole planet whose egos depend solely on overstating the worth of the pure, smelly rubbish they dump into the public fray every week. And, trust me, execs are a needy bunch.
Reason 2: Your practice would certainly mean that movies like “Gone With the Wind” and “Birth of a Nation” would be considered the top films in American cinematic history.
Clearly, those studio execs involved with those films are no longer with us, thereby rendering them unable to thump their massively important chests at their studio competitors, which in turn would unhinge the very reason Hollywood exists.
Reason 3: Hollywood is not here to make movies and be fair. It exists for the sole purpose of allowing the powerful to belittle the less powerful.
Reason 4: Doing things your way, Jeff, would expose the fact that Hollywood doesn’t sell nearly as many tickets as it did, say, in the 1940s, an era when billions and billions of tickets were sold each year because there was no prevalence of a little thing called television.
And really, Jeff, you live in America. Have you not figured out yet that the goal of red-blooded democracy is commerce?
Get off the facts, my son, and climb aboard “Titanic.”
Don’t you want to be like James Cameron at the Oscars and shout out, “I’m king of the world!” — no matter how asinine you might appear doing so?
ALAN
P.S. You get a “The Simpsons Movie” flip book and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Re: Your recent column on the Oscars and women directors.
Am I wrong that Barbra Streisand directed herself in “Yentl”? If she did, don’t you think you forgot about her??? Don’t you think she was deserving?
GERRY AND JACK BARNICK, Boynton Beach, Fla.
Dear Don’t Rain on My Parade,
Of course the esteemed and wonderful Ms. Streisand directed “Yentl.”
Unfortunately, she also included in said film a scene quite reminiscent of the massively cinematic tugboat ride in “Funny Girl,” which, though she starred in it, she did not direct because William Wyler did.
She also directed “The Prince of Tides” and somehow decided it was appropriate to turn the focus on her character even though the book was about, uh, Nick Nolte’s character.
She directed “The Mirror Has Two Faces.”
And we’ll let that last sentence just stand by itself without embellishment.
Trust me, I did not forget Barbra. Who could?
Was she deserving?
No.
ALAN
P.S. You get a can of Ultra-Clutch “Hairspray” hairspray and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
FAN MAIL: As astute readers know, I never ask for testimonials. But come they do. As in this beautiful memo from Alpharetta’s lovely Linda McGinn:
“How incredible for me to read your (recent) article discussing ‘The Haunting’ of 1963. I was an ingenue of just 14 years when I saw it in 1963 and it SCARED ME TO DEATH. I was unable to enter a closet or darkened room for years afterward, and when I try to convey its impact, no one quite believes me. … Thank you for acknowledging the impact of the film on those of us who saw it the first time around.
“Stamp the back of my hand with red ink — I’ve been validated!”
It is my pleasure to let Linda know now that coming her way is a “No Reservations” apron and, of course, an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
To you all, I remain ALAN SMITHEE, ESQ.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessatlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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