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Thursday, March 29, 2007
Best performers often fly under Oscar’s radar
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Last week, you wrote about your Top 10 list of Oscar “One Hit Wonders.” So, what would be your Top 10 list of actors who deserved the award more than the actual winner? And what would be your Top 10 list of actors who deserved the award but didn’t even get nominated?
STEVE MATHENY, Lawrenceville
Dear Starstruck,
Will wonders never cease? Each year, there is incessant grousing about the Academy Awards and their general unworthiness to exist, and then for weeks after the overly self-absorbed event has finally concluded, moviegoers everywhere emerge to talk about the Oscars even more.
Your first list request seems quite similar to the brilliance I dispensed a couple of years ago.
Ergo, hie thee to the online Smithee archives and click on the February 2005 column “Just because their award says ‘best’ doesn’t make it so.” Doing so reveals my immense thoughts on overlooked nominees.
As for your second request regarding the ignobility of being non-nominated for a stellar performance, I have to look back but a few years to find plenty of travesties. Behold:
10. Mickey Rourke, “Sin City” (2005) - A perfect fit of actor and role.
9. Philip Seymour Hoffman, “Magnolia” (1999) - In a film full of fine ensemble performances, his stood out.
8. Jim Broadbent, “Topsy-Turvy” (1999) - The academy made up for this oversight later on by awarding him an Oscar for the lesser “Iris.”
7. John Travolta, “Primary Colors” (1998) - The revealing doughnut diner scene alone was enough to earn him a nomination.
6. Paul Giamatti, “American Splendor” (2003) and, especially, “Sideways” (2004) - Back-to-back Oscar voter oversight translates to utter stupidity.
5. Ian McKellen, “Richard III” (1995) - Trust me, Gandalf got robbed.
4. Don Cheadle, “Devil in a Blue Dress” (1995) - So did Cheadle.
3. Naomi Watts, “Mulholland Drive” (2001) - Watch the audition scene and convince me she’s less than incredible.
2. Jack Lemmon, “Glengarry Glen Ross” (1992) - Yes, nominee Al Pacino was great, as was everybody in the movie. But Lemmon was the greatest.
1. Reese Witherspoon, “Election” (1999) - She proved her Oscar worthiness long before “Walk the Line.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Pride” backpack and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I am an avid fan of the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, and I know from your previous columns that you enjoy them as well.
What do you think “The Hobbit” would be like without Peter Jackson?
CURTIS EVANS, Alpharetta
Dear Bilbo Baggins,
I do love the “Lord of the Rings” movies (and that includes every stinkin’ ending of “The Return of the King,” of which there are many).
But I also know what “King Kong” was like without Peter Jackson. And I must say the original ape movie was demonstrably better.
One problem was that Jackson, however talented with hands filled with Oscars, was given so much freedom with “Kong” it became oversized.
That said, I know “The Hobbit” would certainly be better with Jackson than without him.
Michael Bay? No way.
Bob Shaye? Ha ha ha ha ha.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “300” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
My wife and I just saw “Premonition.” My question: When movies need a religion or funeral or talk-to-a-minister, why is it almost always Catholic or one who is addressed as “Father.” Why not United Methodist?
TOM COTTON, Senoia
Dear Do the Math,
Hollywood is all about getting the most butts into seats.
According to the 2006 “Yearbook of American and Canadian Churches,” the Catholic Church is the largest Christian body in the United States and Canada, numbering more than 67 million members. Southern Baptists are a distant second with more than 16 million, and the United Methodist Church is third with more than 8 million.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “I Think I Love My Wife” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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Can flesh-eating mutants trigger a midlife crisis?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I went to see “The Hills Have Eyes 2,” and I can’t tell you exactly what went wrong. But I just wasn’t feeling it. And halfway through I up and walked out.
I don’t think it was the movie’s fault. I think maybe it was me.
“Eyes” starts off in the super-gross way you want it to.
See, there’s this kidnapped human lady tied up to a filthy mattress. And she’s as filthy as the mattress, and her toenails are three inches long, on account of she’s been tied up for months. Because she’s been knocked up. And now she’s in labor. And that sucker’s ready to pop out - like, NOW!
And when it does, one of those lovable, radiated cannibal mutants we met in the first movie clubs her head in. Because it’s HIS lovable, radiated cannibal mutant baby!
So that part was excellent.
But then the movie cuts to Iraq, where soldiers are in a firefight. And one of them throws two grenades in a house, then this lady in a burka (sp???) stumbles out the door going, “You killed my babies!”
Only, she’s totally got her whole body strapped with bombs to blow up the troops.
And just when I’m wondering, “Is it kinda cool or kinda gross to use the war in Iraq as a background for a radiated-cannibal-mutants-in-the-desert movie,” everything stops.
Turns out the soldiers aren’t in Iraq. It’s a training exercise. The burka lady is a National Guard like the rest of them. And their drill sergeant (who is doing this whole junior Louis Gossett thing) tells them that they’d all be dead if this was the real deal.
Yeah, just like that training scene in “Silence of the Lambs.”
Maybe I’m wrong, but if you’re a quick-and-dirty sequel to a remake, you maybe don’t wanta remind people in the audience about a movie that was really and truly and for-all-time awesome, like “Lambs” was.
Anyway, I kept watching. And — back in the desert — the mutants shish-kebabbed one Army scientist, dug a blade in the skull of another, and ripped a third in half and started snacking on his chitlins.
But I just wasn’t into it. I couldn’t really concentrate on the movie. All of a sudden, I just felt like time was passing me by, and I thought that maybe I’d watched too many mutant-cannibal movies over the years. You know? And I just started wondering what the future holds for yours truly.
Don’t ask me why. Maybe it’s because my new lady friend, LaTrea, didn’t call me back after that accident with her area rug.
Maybe it’s because the dancers’ implants at the Pony seem to be getting harder while everything on me is starting to get softer.
Maybe it’s because somebody asked me how old my boy Cal is, and I said 6, and then realized he’s pushing 10. (10!!!)
Or maybe it’s because spring break starts today, and it seems like I’m the only one who’s NOT going to Florida and doesn’t have “teen” at the end of his age.
Maybe it’s those low-balling illegals and the way they’ve been poaching good freelance construction gigs I totally should have gotten instead.
Or maybe I’m just having one of those moments like Peter Fonda did at the end of “Easy Rider,” where he goes, “We blew it.” And nobody really knew what he meant, but you FELT it. Right?
And … maybe it’s because I’m old enough to know about that scene in “Easy Rider” that I’m feeling like this today.
Maybe I just oughta buy a convertible and get it over with. Or maybe it’s time for some real changes.
It might just be that I’ve had my fill of B-movies this spring, what with crummy stuff like “The Messengers” and “Dead Silence” and other [bodily waste] the studios have been dumping at the multiplex. Maybe I ought to do what the snoots call a “palette cleanser” and go see more serious stuff — the kind that wins the awards.
Don’t worry, I’m not saying I’m all of a sudden gonna want to write about British movies, like “Notes From a Scandal,” where I heard Judi Dench gets all stalkerish over Cate Blanchett. I don’t know about you, but if there’s a lesbian in a movie, she needs to be hot, and not 100 years old.
Anyway, check back in next week. Maybe I just need a boatload of vitamins or some antidepressants or a kegger.
Or maybe all I need to feel better about so-bad-they’re-good movies is to get a load of Tarantino and Rodriguez’s double-whammy blast of B-flick love, aka “Grindhouse” — am I right?
‘THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2’
• Naked breasts: Yeah, but they’re on a filthy pregnant lady who gets clubbed to death.
• Dirty words: There’s soldiers in it, so get ready for some f-bombs.
• Best lines: I can’t remember, I was too busy thinking about dying alone and stuff like that.
• The rest: Directed by Martin Weisz. Rated R for prolonged sequences of strong, gruesome horror violence and gore, a rape and language. At metro theaters. 1 hour, 29 minutes.
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Of all the ‘best’ pictures, these are the worst
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Based on your cinematic expertise, what are the 10 worst best picture Oscar winners?
ROBERT HUDSON, Atlanta
Dear Unwashed,
Expertise, my good fellow, suggests opinion. Certainly you realize by now that I deal exclusively in facts.
I have, of course, viewed every single film bestowed with a best picture Oscar by America’s royal Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Forthwith, here ARE the 10 worst best picture Oscar winners, in order from top to bottomus.
10. “The English Patient” (1996) — Barely beat out “The Last Emperor” (1987) for this spot. I could never figure out why, instead of crashing the plane, he didn’t just mow the cheaters down.
9. “An American in Paris” (1951) — I am not the biggest fan of musicals and even less of the dance (unless we’re talking about “Reservoir Dogs” and “Stuck in the Middle With You”).
8. “You Can’t Take It With You” (1938) — And I don’t want to.
7. “Forrest Gump” (1994) — I prefer “Run, Lola, Run.”
6. “Gandhi” (1982) — I went to see it on a Monday, got so bored I nicely asked the person next to me to wake me when it was over … and then it was Thursday.
5. “Around the World in 80 Days” (1956) — There were many good movies in the 1950s, but there were also many, many bad ones.
4. “The Broadway Melody” (1929) — It’s not just music and dancing. It’s bad music and worse dancing.
3. “Cavalcade” (1933) — Stuffy English drama that spans decades and never ends.
2. “Cimarron” (1931) — I’ll grant that the opening Oklahoma Land Rush is great. Then things go, well, not so great.
1. “The Greatest Show on Earth” (1952) — I’m just saying: Jimmy Stewart is hiding from the law in a clown suit and makeup. His moniker: “Buttons.”
ALAN
P.S. You get a “The Reaping” cap and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
This has been on my mind for months. I can’t let it go. Your vast knowledge and experience not withstanding (not to mention your formidable private collection of 2,000+ DVDs), you have omitted one of the classic science fiction movies of all time. Written by none other than Kurt Vonnegut, titled: “Slaughterhouse-Five.” The misadventures of Billy Pilgrim, a professional nobody who is “unstuck” in time. True, it’s a little draggy at times, but it gains character through repeated viewings.
The beings of the planet Tralfamadore are quite amazing, and the mere presence of Valerie Perrine “au naturel” makes it all the more a true classic. Made in 1972 and directed by George Roy Hill.
JEFFREY KAYMAN, Boynton Beach, Fla.
Dear Go Into the Light,
I always wondered where the late George Roy Hill’s old agent ended up. Guess now we know.
I saw “Slaughterhouse-Five” some time ago. And to be completely honest, Jeff, it just didn’t stick with me.
And so it goes.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “I Think I Love My Wife” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Paul Newman, who recently turned 82, is one of my favorite actors. I have yet to find a DVD where he has recorded commentary. Is there a reason for this? Are there any I’ve missed?
THOMAS JENNINGS, Decatur
Dear Sundance Kid,
Paul Newman has been making movies for a long, long time, and he is a big, big star. So he does what he wants to. And who can blame him? What publicity does he need?
And besides, as you pointed out, he’s 82.
I did see the man — once. It was in Chicago five years ago and involved the film “Road to Perdition.” It was a celebrity gold mine. I interviewed Tom Hanks. I got to visit with the great cinematographer Conrad Hall (he passed away the following year). I got to speak with Daniel Craig (granted, who knew at the time he would become James Bond). And I attended a news conference with Newman. He looked good. He dodged most questions and charmed everyone in the room.
Newman has contributed to DVD commentary tracks at least on “The Hustler,” “Somebody Up There Likes Me” and “The Verdict.” Don’t get too excited. He apparently speaks for about 30 seconds on the latter.
ALAN
P.S. You get a “Night at the Museum” dinosaur and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Have a question for Mr. Smithee? E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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