Access Atlanta > Movies > Blog > Archives > 2007 > March > 22 > Entry
Latest victims of the ‘Saw’ guys are moviegoers
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
OK, so you’ve got creepy ventriloquist puppets and 100 dead-eyed dolls. And the two guys who came up with the awesome “Saw” series. PLUS this movie has Amber “Hello!” Valletta in it, too.
What could go wrong?
Well, if you REALLY want the answer, go see “Dead Silence” for yourself. But if you’re smart, you’ll save that money and spend it on seeing “300” a second time instead.
But before I get into it, here’s some of the trailers I saw before the Feature Presentation.
First off were two movies set in sleazy hotels. I didn’t know sleazy hotel movies were a new trend — except the kind you order on demand when you’re STAYING at a sleazy hotel.
The first one’s called “Bug” and stars Ashley Judd as a trashy girl in the middle of nowhere who hooks up with some freaky-looking guy and starts scratching her own skin off and forgetting to take a shower. I’ll pass.
Then there was “Vacancy,” and maybe it was named that because Luke Wilson is in it, and he seems to have lots of For Rent space between his ears. The movie also stars Kate Beckinsale, only she’s not wearing her “Underworld” leather and looks like she has to be all Lady-in-Peril instead of kicking werewolves’ [posteriors], like she does best. So, pass on that one, too. With both movies, it’s the first time that Ashley Judd + Kate Beckinsale + sleazy hotel rooms DOESN’T look like a good equation.
Then there was a trailer for “Knocked Up,” which is all about an accidental pregnancy. It looks hilarious, but I’m gonna pass on that one, too, for the same reason paroled convicts don’t like to watch movies about jail. They’ve already lived it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son Cal. But still …
By this point, a portly African-American lady sitting in front of me was tired of trailers and yelled out, “Let’s get this [bodily waste] on the road!”
But she was pretty sorry pretty soon, because “Dead Silence” really IS [bodily waste]. I guess when you make cash-cow flicks like the “Saw” movies, somebody’s gonna give you money to make a movie based on the script you wrote one night when you were 12 and got all cracked out on Yoo-hoos. Because that’s what “Dead Silence” plays like.
Even before the weird [stuff] starts happening, the movie takes place in Crazyville. That’s because Ryan Kwanten (yeah, I said “who?” too) plays Jamie, this perfect husband who’s not only fixing the kitchen sink, he’s planning to go pick up dinner for his wife, Lisa (Laura Regan), who has a pretty face and a chest you could play Parcheesi on.
First, though, somebody UPS-es a creepy ventriloquist’s doll to their apartment. And Jamie and Lisa are like, “Boy oh boy! Here’s a creepy doll sent by some anonymous somebody — LET’S BRING HIM INSIDE!” They deserve what they get, as far as I’m concerned.
Jamie goes to pick up dinner, and while he’s gone, Lisa spends her time smiling, just like people do in movies right before their tongues get ripped out. She also poses in front of the mirror, admiring her breastlessness. And I am thinking, “Which one of the ‘Saw’ guys is she sleeping with, anyway?”
The good news is — SPOILER — the puppet kills her. But you already knew that if you saw the trailer. Even if you didn’t see the trailer, you still know she’s gonna snuff it the minute she tells Jamie, “I won’t let the scary dummy hurt you.”
That’s like saying, “How can you be scared of a dog with a cute name like Cujo?”
Anyway, Jamie is prime suspect for his wife’s death, and he gets hounded by a cop played by Donnie Wahlberg, brother of Oscar nominee Mark. Donnie spends the movie proving that acting talent is NOT genetic.
He’s not alone because Jamie heads to his hometown, Ravens Fair, which is apparently the place where bad acting comes from. Like the woman who plays a crazy lady and spends all her time talking to a stuffed crow. I expected the crow to come to life and beg for a better scene partner.
Then there’s Bob Gunton as Jamie’s crippled, rich dad, and Amber Valletta as Jamie’s smokin’ new stepmom. But they’re both as wooden as the evil possessed dolls that show up toward the end of the movie.
I would tell you more about the plot, only I have too much self-respect.
I’ll just say that when the devil dolls did come to life, the portly African-American lady in front of me started yelling, “Shoot ‘em! Shoot ‘em!”
But you know what? As far as I’m concerned, they’re just stupid, creepy toys. The ones that deserve the bullets are the “Saw” guys, who turned people like her and me into dummies by tricking us into seeing their movie — am I right?
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