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Follow Alan Smithee to the Oscars
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today’s breaking Oscar news: The AJC has learned that its star movie columnist, Alan Smithee, will be wearing Calvin Klein. Footwear to accompany his C.K. tuxedo is expected to be Kenneth Cole.
Yes, if you were me, you would today have completed final preparations to head to Los Angeles for Sunday’s 79th annual Academy Awards. And your check list would read exactly like this:
1. Golden ticket from the Academy for red carpet and backstage credentials - check.
2. Multi-day hotel reservation within convenient walking distance of the Kodak Theatre - check.
3. Vidal Sassoon battery-operated nose and ear hair trimmer - check.
In other words, duty calls.
I’ve done red carpets from New York to Los Angeles and back again and have the rug burns to prove it. Certainly, I am anticipating getting reacquainted with a few notables and meet new friends on ultra-ego alley (it is more commonly referred to elsewhere as the red carpet).
I want to see supporting actor nominee Mark Wahlberg (“The Departed”) so I can repeat the exact words he said to me on a “Perfect Storm” red carpet near Boston the first time we ever met: “Hey, we’ve met before.”
I want to see statuette presenter Tom Cruise (he was miles away from a nomination for “Mission: Impossible III”) again so that, if I get the chance, I can ask him why, when my once-wee sons D.W. and Cecil B. stopped their car to gawk and point at The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre in L.A., did a white van unexpectedly emerge from the compound and follow their vehicle through left and right turns for several blocks?
I want to see actress nominee Penelope Cruz (“Volver”) so that I can … well … see her.
Oscar voters have to return final ballots by 5 p.m. Tuesday PST. But I already have a feeling I know who’s going to win.
Best supporting actress: Jennifer Hudson (“Dreamgirls”). I have selected her because I am not a crazy fool.
Best supporting actor: Eddie Murphy (“Dreamgirls”). I have selected him because even though “Norbit” should be an embarrassment, Mr. Murphy has done the most important thing any celebrity can do: that is, help everybody in Hollywood earn umpteen billions of dollars through ultra-popular mainstream movies.
Best director: Martin Scorsese (“The Departed”). I have selected him because that is what Hollywood does: wait until some Oscarless somebody makes their sixth or seventh best movie and then give them an Academy Award for it.
Best actress: Helen Mirren (“The Queen”). I have selected her because she is going to win.
Best actor: Forest Whitaker (“The Last King of Scotland”). I have selected him because he’s the best of all the nominees in every category.
Best picture: “The Departed.” I have selected it because … why not?
COMING TUESDAY: Let’s figure out together how we think Ellen DeGeneres is going to do and decide who can lay claim to being the best Oscar show host ever.
Permalink | Comments (13) | Categories: Alan Smithee
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By Dee
February 19, 2007 10:08 AM | Link to this
Mr. Smithee(referring to you as Alan would be too presumptuous) welcome to our little world of blogging. I look forward to all your pithy comments on the goings on in Hollywood.
My wish list for this season would be to have Mark Wahlberg win in the supporting actor category. More than anyone else nominated, he commanded my attention when he was onscreen…I find this amazing since I’ve never regarded him as anything more than a mediocre actor!
In the best actor category I would really like to see Leo win, even though I agree that Forest deserves it…this wish does not emanate from some school girl crush but from an admiration of BOTH movie roles he played this year and a feeling that, dammit, he’s earned it. I guess that’s the same reason(as you so wisely noted) that Martin Scorsese should win.
By cinefreak
February 19, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this
I’m glad to see that Little Miss Sunshine was not in your projections. This movie was billed as a comedy, yet there was nothing humorous about it. The best actor in that movie was the yellow VW bus! I couldn’t wait for this movie to end.
By Benji
February 19, 2007 10:51 AM | Link to this
I can’t wait…I just hope that ghetto pig Beyonce does not show up…I am so sick of looking at her skanky face
By get real
February 19, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this
IT amazes me how we can go from genuine banter on the subject at hand, followed so quickly by worthless rude comments from benji. I disagree about Little Miss Sunshine, although I was less than impressed with the ending, more than any other nominee I felt that Little Miss Sunshine offered something different than your usual movie whose attempts at humor are predictable and un-original.
By Dee
February 19, 2007 12:04 PM | Link to this
Sometimes it’s best to just ignore the worthless, rude commenters because they actually feel rewarded when seeing their name appear in someone else’s thoughts.
And I agree about Little Miss Sunshine. It was a sweet natured film with a little edge to it. Lovely, and subtle, performances from Alan Arkin and Toni Collette. And the Volkswagen Bus! I thought Greg Kinnear was brilliant in As Good As It Gets but he hasn’t impressed me much since. Steve Carrell is amazing. From Michael Scott to the 40 year old virgin to the suicidal gay guy…his characterizations are spot on!
However, my choice for best picture is The Departed.
By Ardent Fan
February 19, 2007 12:06 PM | Link to this
Mr. Smithee - or as you prefer to be called “O Great One” - You have answered all the obligatory questions and given your opinion on who should win etc. However, there is one item you have neglected to reveal. Not “who are you wearing”, but…….WHO will be your date on the red carpet??? (OK on the sidelines of the RC) I’m sure with your sons D.W. and Cecil B. either in school or at their jobs, (not sure of their ages) there must be a special “Mr. Smithee” someone who will grace your arm and also enjoy gawking at the likes of George, Nicole, Jennifer, Leo and Marky Mark, oh wait, he now prefers Mark Wahlberg. Whatever. Come on, give us the dish. Will it be someone in Atlanta’s elite social scene, or a “nobody” - like the rest of us who are relegated to watching the event from our comfy couches?
I am curious and I am certain that many who read your column and devour your comments want to know this most intimate detail. Or maybe you are more like some of the Hollywood elite who choose to walk the carpet alone - thus rendering us to continue wondering are they or aren’t they - ala Mr. Cruise. (NOT that it matters your preference.)
Can’t wait to read your next blog and hope you will reveal the lucky woman or man.
By Dee
February 19, 2007 12:11 PM | Link to this
Mr Smithee…I volunteer for the honor of being your date at the Oscars. Just email me as to where I should meet you!
By Ardent Fan
February 19, 2007 12:21 PM | Link to this
Oh Dee, you sly one. Guess I should have been more agressive and spoken up. I wanted to be his date!
By Dee
February 19, 2007 12:26 PM | Link to this
Ardent Fan, I know I should be gracious and step aside but I’m just not that nice a person. :)
By Aldo
February 19, 2007 12:54 PM | Link to this
Well in Benji’s defense Beyonce is a skank
By Goldie
February 19, 2007 1:06 PM | Link to this
Best Picture should be “Little Miss Sunshine” and I hope Abigail Breslin gets the statuette for Best Supporting Actress!
By ShantheMan
February 19, 2007 3:41 PM | Link to this
I smell an upset in the Best Supporting Actor category—I think it’ll go to Wahlberg.
I don’t think it’s out of the question that Peter O’Toole could pull a surprise in the Best Actor category, though my money’s still on Forrest Whitaker.
Helen Mirren’s a lock, and I think Jennifer Hudson is close to a lock.
Scorcese will finally get his directing Oscar, though he’s done a number of films that are far superior to “The Departed”. And, though I’m pulling for “Little Miss Sunshine”, I have a feeling “The Departed” will pull out a Best Picture win, too.
By BigJake
February 19, 2007 5:51 PM | Link to this
What a great idea to take on the identity of Alan Smithee - the only name accepted by the Motion Pictures Arts Association as the name any director may select if he does not want his real name in the movie credits for any film he or she directs.