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Monday, February 19, 2007
Follow Alan Smithee to the Oscars
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today’s breaking Oscar news: The AJC has learned that its star movie columnist, Alan Smithee, will be wearing Calvin Klein. Footwear to accompany his C.K. tuxedo is expected to be Kenneth Cole.
Yes, if you were me, you would today have completed final preparations to head to Los Angeles for Sunday’s 79th annual Academy Awards. And your check list would read exactly like this:
1. Golden ticket from the Academy for red carpet and backstage credentials - check.
2. Multi-day hotel reservation within convenient walking distance of the Kodak Theatre - check.
3. Vidal Sassoon battery-operated nose and ear hair trimmer - check.
In other words, duty calls.
I’ve done red carpets from New York to Los Angeles and back again and have the rug burns to prove it. Certainly, I am anticipating getting reacquainted with a few notables and meet new friends on ultra-ego alley (it is more commonly referred to elsewhere as the red carpet).
I want to see supporting actor nominee Mark Wahlberg (“The Departed”) so I can repeat the exact words he said to me on a “Perfect Storm” red carpet near Boston the first time we ever met: “Hey, we’ve met before.”
I want to see statuette presenter Tom Cruise (he was miles away from a nomination for “Mission: Impossible III”) again so that, if I get the chance, I can ask him why, when my once-wee sons D.W. and Cecil B. stopped their car to gawk and point at The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre in L.A., did a white van unexpectedly emerge from the compound and follow their vehicle through left and right turns for several blocks?
I want to see actress nominee Penelope Cruz (“Volver”) so that I can … well … see her.
Oscar voters have to return final ballots by 5 p.m. Tuesday PST. But I already have a feeling I know who’s going to win.
Best supporting actress: Jennifer Hudson (“Dreamgirls”). I have selected her because I am not a crazy fool.
Best supporting actor: Eddie Murphy (“Dreamgirls”). I have selected him because even though “Norbit” should be an embarrassment, Mr. Murphy has done the most important thing any celebrity can do: that is, help everybody in Hollywood earn umpteen billions of dollars through ultra-popular mainstream movies.
Best director: Martin Scorsese (“The Departed”). I have selected him because that is what Hollywood does: wait until some Oscarless somebody makes their sixth or seventh best movie and then give them an Academy Award for it.
Best actress: Helen Mirren (“The Queen”). I have selected her because she is going to win.
Best actor: Forest Whitaker (“The Last King of Scotland”). I have selected him because he’s the best of all the nominees in every category.
Best picture: “The Departed.” I have selected it because … why not?
COMING TUESDAY: Let’s figure out together how we think Ellen DeGeneres is going to do and decide who can lay claim to being the best Oscar show host ever.
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