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Friday, June 9, 2006
They just don’t make Antichrists like they used to
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Man, I know Mia Farrow had a lousy experience with Woody and Soon-Yi. And it’s probably tough trying to be mom to all those 197 kids she adopted. So maybe that’s why she’s gone and lost her ever-loving mind.
I caught her doing this interview on CNN last week, talking about the remake of “The Omen” that she’s in. And she goes, “This movie is way better than the first one.”
See what I mean? She’s totally bat-[guano] crazy.
The new “Omen” is NOT better than the original. Line by line and shot by shot, it’s almost a Xerox copy — only without great actors like Gregory Peck and Lee Remick. And without that “Hail Satan” soundtrack that was scary enough to make you run to the nearest church and pray forgiveness for everything bad you ever did — including what happened in the Jacuzzi that New Year’s Eve when you were drunk and went a little too far with your ex-wife’s cousin Kandi. (Not that anything like that ever happened with me … I’m just saying by way of, you know, example.)
So anyway, I was totally looking forward to “The Omen.” If you’re a parent like me — and come on, don’t lie about it — you know there’s been times when your kid’s done something that makes you wonder, “Hmm, maybe he’s … THE ANTICHRIST?” (Sometimes it’s better to think the Devil’s to blame than to admit your kid’s just another spoiled brat.)
OK, so anyway, Robert Thorn (Liev Schreiber) is a junior ambassador working out of Rome (the one in Italy). His pregnant wife, Katherine (Julia Stiles), goes into labor, but when Robert gets there, the spooky Catholic doctor says the kid is dead — and could he possibly interest Robert in raising some Italian chick’s newborn baby as his own?
And Robert goes, “Okey-doke,” and doesn’t tell his wife about the swap. (He never seems to worry that the kid’s Italian, so the boy might grow up with a telltale unibrow or wave his hands a lot when he talks.)
You know the rest. The family moves to England. Little Damien turns 5. And people around the Thorns start to croak in splattery ways that are not-so-subtle hints for his slow-on-the-draw parents that their kid is a REAL little devil.
So why does this movie [inhale vigorously]? Well, I never thought I’d say this, but it’s waaaaay too faithful to the first one. Some scenes play exactly the same. The movie’s idea of a big update is to throw in cellphones or let Damien ride a scooter instead of a tricycle when he tries to murder his mom.
Wow, did you get goose bumps just hearing that? I sure didn’t!
Mainly, this is just a chance for the folks at Fox to make some quick bucks, and for David Seltzer — who wrote the scripts for both “Omens” — to double-dip in Satan’s piggy bank. Bottom line is, the movie’s a minute shorter than the 1976 flick, but it feels about twice as long.
Schreiber and Stiles — hey, you know, I like those actors. But not when they’re playing the wrong parts like they are here. (Stiles looks more like Damien’s big sis than his mom.)
Oh yeah, and the kid that plays Damien? Hope his folks put his paycheck in a college fund, ‘cause he doesn’t have a big movie career ahead. He spends the whole flick pouting and frowning at people, like, “Grrrr.” (Goose bumps yet? Nah, me neither.) Damien’s supposed to look like he’s thinking, “If thou makest me eateth all my peas and carrots, then I will smite thee.” But he just looks like he needs a double shot of Kiddie Ex-Lax, stat.
One good thing in the movie? She may be out of her mind, but Farrow rocks as the evil nanny, Mrs. Baylock, aka Murder Poppins. Near the end of the movie, she shows up at a hospital and tells a guard, “I’m the family nanny, here to spread a little cheer.” And, oh yeah, shove her employer six feet under, too!
Too bad the new hospital scene DOESN’T have that great moment from the first movie, when [redacted for spoilers] takes a swan dive out the window, smack onto an ambulance roof. But the other deaths in the new “Omen” are good enough to make you wish the rest of the movie was better. (They’re so good and messy, they made me think of some other snuff scenes I liked; check out the list at the end.)
For all its shots of rabid dogs and skull-face demons, the worst thing in “The Omen” is a shot near the start of the World Trade Center coming down. Using footage like that in a dumb movie like this is more evil than anything little Damien could ever think up — am I right?
These are a few of my splatter-fave things:
There’s two kinds of death scenes that I like the most.
The first is the splattery, gory kind. (I’m not even gonna mention the “Final Destination” flicks, because that’s all they’re about.)
The second is the kind of sudden death that takes you by surprise almost as much as it does the poor sucker who ends up eating dirt.
Here’s some of my faves. I’m probably forgetting lots of good ones, so send me yours at jpurlky@ajc.com
Gross me out …
“Scanners” (1981). Best. Exploding. Head. Ever.
“Wrong Turn” (2003). Hillbilly cannibals! And there’s an excellently disgusting moment when a terrified girl meets a swinging ax, mouth-first.
“Anaconda” (1997). Jon Voight gets swallowed by the big snake, gets puked back up half-digested — and winks before he goes down the big guy’s throat again. (The sad news: J. Lo survives.)
“RoboCop” (1987). Recipe for an awesome splatter: Marinate a bad guy (Paul McCrane) in a vat of toxic goo that jelli-fies his skin. Remove bad guy from goo, and place in front of speeding car. Splat! Serve results with a spoon. Bon appetit!
“Dawn of the Dead” (1978). Gore-makeup wizard Tom Savini plays a biker dude who gets his intestines yanked out by zombies, who wolf ‘em down like finger-linguine. “Fargo” (1996). Because wood chippers can chip more than just wood. “Jaws” (1975). A little boy. A rubber raft. And one hellacious fountain of blood.
“Alien” (1979). Worst stomachache in movie history. So unexpected, it could belong in the next category …
Surprise! You’re dead!
“L.A. Confidential” (1997). It’s not how, but how unexpectedly one of the stars dies. (There’s a scene a lot like it in “Minority Report” five years later, but this one’s better.) “Pulp Fiction” (1994). A bump in the road and a cocked gun cause a bloody mess in the back of Vince and Jules’ car. “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre” (1974). Guy wanders inside creepy old house. Metal door flies open, out comes Leatherface with a sledgehammer, and the dude is dead before he knows what hit him. Like, literally.
“Psycho” (1960). Janet Leigh’s shower scene is still the Mount Everest of “gotcha” murders. The detective-on-the-stairs scene is a close runner-up.
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Section would be thin if we stuck just to great films
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Mr. Smithee,
Please explain why Atlanta Journal-Constitution reviewers (not you) go to such great lengths in “covering” what they consider to be C and D movies? Latest example: “The Break-Up,” graded C-. Wouldn’t a one-paragraph item in classifieds be more appropriate so that laudatory films can get their just due?
Ross Tucker, Woodstock
Dear Jen Hater,
Let’s play editor.
Your mission, Ross, should you decide to accept it, is to generate an interesting, viable and topical movie section based off the following same-day openings: the aforementioned “The Break-Up,” starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn (which ultimately finished No. 1 at the boxoffice); “District B13,” a small, all-nonsense French action film made two years ago and in French; and “Drawing Restraint 9,” an ultra-art film featuring an artist with unfathomable artistic vision and a woman whose Oscar dress was, literally, a big swan.
OK. Go!
Hurry, Ross, because the movie section will self-destruct in 15 seconds if you don’t settle on a game plan.
Actually, Ross, I think you see where we’re going here.
Beyond, “The Break-Up” - and the celebrity baggage that comes with the particular stars of that film - there wasn’t much else to draw attention to.
And sometimes it’s important for a film critic to speak the truth loudly about a film that’s being marketed to the public as a traditional romantic comedy - when it’s actually a dark, dark, dark comedy.
You see, critics need to warn moviegoers, too. And sometimes a movie can be such a sensational car wreck (psst, we’re talking about “Gigli” now) that it demands to be displayed prominently.
What I do like is that, despite the ever-turbulent, completely unimportant swirl of celebrity and Hollywood bombast, the AJC found it important in the past couple of years to take noticeable looks at quality, if not particularly commercial, movies like “Millions,” “The Return,” “The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada,” “Hustle & Flow,” “Look at Me,” “Chrystal,” “Moolaade,” “Junebug,” “The Untold Story of Emmett Louis Till,” “Nobody Knows,” “Grizzly Man” and “Downfall.” Just to name a few.
Alan
P.S. You get an “M:I:III” pin and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
As far as I know, there have been only two couples in which both man and wife have won Oscars for best acting: Vivien Leigh/Laurence Olivier and Joanne Woodward/Paul Newman. Of interests to Georgians: Leigh played Scarlett O’Hara, by far the most widely known characters in a film about Georgia. Woodward was born in Georgia.
George L. Kelly, Atlanta
Dear Fiddle-Dee-Dee,
What? You think kicked-to-the-curb Chad Lowe is not planning revenge on Hilary Swank by taking home a couple of top-dog trophies himself?
And maybe they lack a ring, but can you honestly not count Susan Sarandon (best actress for “Dead Man Walking”) and Tim Robbins (best supporting actor for “Mystic River”)?
But, regardless, worry not. I have already composed your esteemed letter of apology to Michael Douglas (best actor for “Wall Street”) and Catherine Zeta-Jones (best supporting actress for “Chicago”).
It merely awaits your signature and a stamp.
Alan
P.S. You get a “Poseidon” T-shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
I saw a fascinating movie on Turner Classic Movies and have been unable to find it. It was called “Running Man” or something like that and was a harrowing tale of a European or American man running through the African bush pursued by natives. Can you help? When I look for “Running Man,” I find only a Schwarzenegger movie.
Another all-time favorite that is very realistic is “The Battle of Algiers.” Can you recommend others like this? “City of God” springs to mind.
Michael Dubus, Chamblee
Dear Running Scared,
Your movie is “The Naked Prey” (1966), starring Cornel Wilde, who also directed.
I, too, am a big fan of “The Battle of Algiers” (1966), a brilliant film about the Algerian revolt over French occupation. Ditto “City of God.”
A few similarly styled documentaryesque movies I highly recommend: “United 93,” “Series 7: The Contenders” and “Paths of Glory.”
Alan
P.S. You get a “Gory Road” shirt and an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt.
HAVE A QUESTION FOR MR. SMITHEE?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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