Access Atlanta > Movies > Blog > Archives > 2006 > May > 26 > Entry
Some of us are still in the dark even after film’s over
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This is LaDonna Potter writing about the totally confusing movie “The Da Vinci Code.”
Now, I never read the Book of “The Da Vinci Code” because it is a Book. But everybody and their Brother have read it and said it was great so I was like, OK, plus it stars Tom Hanks and I have had a crush on Tom Hanks ever since he was in “Big.”
Boy, do the years fly by or WHAT!?!?!
Tom plays Robert Langdon, who is an expert in the hidden meaning of Symbols. He has some sort of Super-Power because when he looks at a sentence on the floor, all the letters turn into moons and arrows and other kinds of Symbols like a box of Lucky Charms Cereal. I have no idea how he does that!
This is in the Louvre, I forgot to say, the Museum in Paris where they keep the “Mona Lisa.” Audrey Tautou even says, “Professor, the ‘Mona Lisa’ is right over here!” As if just because he is an American he wouldn’t know that! (Personally, I am just about up to HERE with the French, I really am!!!)
Audrey plays Sophie, who is a Cop and a “Cryptologist,” which I guess means she works in the Morgue. Sophie meets Robert in the Louvre because her Grandfather, who works there, has been shot to death. But before he died, he managed to run around, write hidden clues on the floor and walls, take all his clothes off, paint a Star on his belly with his own blood, and I don’t know what else. And I was like, “Wow!”
It’s no secret who his killer is. It’s a crazy Monk named Silas who whips himself naked at home (he doesn’t seem to have a TV or anything else to do). And he has this crazy torture thingie wrapped around his thigh that makes him bleed when he walks! (If he is so into pain, he ought to try walking around in high heels — ha-ha!!!) Plus, he doesn’t wear any underwear under his robe! If he walks over a blowy Subway vent, he’s gonna have a real Marilyn Monroe moment!!! But that is OK because he is played by Paul Bettany, and I wouldn’t mind seeing some of THAT!!! =:-o
Meanwhile, Robert and Sophie have to run from the Police, and they solve all these codes and figure out all these clues, and I don’t know how they managed, because the whole movie is so DARK you need a flashlight to see it!!!
After several exciting but very dimly lit escapes, they go to the Mansion of a man Robert knows played by Ian McKellen, who is also playing Magneto in the “X-Men” movie — he must be tired!!!! ;-)
He is very, very British — he is so British that the name of the man he plays in “Da Vinci” is Lee Teabag! And, boy, can he TALK. You can take a bathroom break (No. 2, even) and he will still be talking when you come back! Here’s where it gets confusing, because he talks about Jesus and Mary Magdalene and the history of the Church and Art History, too.
And Sophie goes, “It’s funny, I don’t even like History.” And I didn’t either, it was my WORST subject in High School, because what good is it to know the exact date and year things happened?
Then Teabag talks about the Holy Grail, and Sophie asks if he’s talking about “some magic dishes.” And that got me thinking what I wanted for dinner, because I was at that arty theater in Midtown, so I knew I had a choice of Thai and Mexican and Vietnamese once the movie let out. I was working up quite an appetite and I couldn’t help wondering how Tom and Audrey could run all over Europe for 24 hours without stopping for so much as a Nacho! I would be just about ready to chew my own fingers off out of hunger!!!
Another thing, with all that running around, it’s amazing to me that Audrey’s hair stays so perfect. She obviously has an excellent Stylist. Though if she had come to MY Salon I would’ve cut it different, so that her hair isn’t always falling in front of her right eye, like it does all through the movie.
As for Tom, well, I hate to speak ill of other Stylists’ work, so I will say nothing at all. I liked Paul Bettany’s bleach job, though. But I would like Paul Bettany any which way, including bald.
“The Da Vinci Code” is a lot of fun, even though I couldn’t follow all of it, with all that talk about the Apostles, and the “sacred feminine,” and how “Sangria” is Jesus’ blood (I think). But it did make me ask a lot of questions. Like, is the white Dove that flies down and saves Tom and Audrey in the church God? And how many times in one night can a crazy Monk whip himself without getting flat-out bored? And if Jesus married Mary Magdalene, like the movie says, and she got pregnant, was there a baby shower? And if so, did she have to return Judas’ gift???
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