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Oscar magic: 30 minutes of fun crammed into 3-and-a-half hours
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Remember “Titanic”? Where Kate Winslet fell in love with Leo, then the ship hit the ice and everybody ran around screaming, and the ship sank but Kate survived and made it to America, and grew up to be 100 years old, then threw her necklace in the ocean and reunited with dead Leo in Underwater Heaven? Man, that movie had a lot of entertaining [feces] going on in it every single minute of its three-plus hours.
Then there was Sunday night’s Oscar show, which spent the same amount of time making me wish I was at the bottom of the sea.
Being dead’s gotta be more fun than that drag-athon. They oughta can producer Gil Cates and hire somebody who is not 71 years old or at least has a pulse.
I mean, where’s a streaker or even Rob Lowe and Snow White when you need ‘em? Let’s break the sucker down …
Best picture: The show’s big surprise was “Brokeback” not winning. And you know what? I don’t lose sleep over gay cowboys. Live and let live, I say, just don’t do it in my pup tent, OK? I probably wouldn’t’ve seen the movie if I wasn’t writing about the Oscars, but it was pretty good — only so loooong I thought maybe Gil produced it. (I’m just sorry we never got to hear what kind of a joke Jack Nicholson would’ve made if it had won.)
As for “Crash,” it’s OK. Only, the next time somebody plows into my car, I’m not gonna see it as a chance to grow and face my inner racism and form a spiritual connection with the [rectum] who just jacked up my insurance premium.
The presenters: Lauren Bacall was drunk, so that made two of us. Jennifer Garner almost fell, but she’s still adorable and her accident only made her more [conducive to sexual congress].
And Salma Hayek? [Spiritual figurehead of Christianity!] When she came onstage, it looked like the start of a two-balloon race! And WE were the winners!
Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell and Steve Carell also presented — and thanks, guys, for giving me those much-needed beer-disposal breaks.
The host: Jon Stewart was fine. The smear ads against the stars were awesome. I liked when he said “Walk the Line” was “‘Ray’ with white people,” and asked for a show of hands for anybody who was NOT in “Crash.” And he didn’t laugh at his own jokes like Whoopi always did.
But come on, Billy Crystal — get off your lazy [behind] and get back on the stage.
The musical numbers:
I got nothing to say against Dolly. Dolly is Dolly like the Mississippi River is the Mississippi River, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I don’t remember any zombies when I saw “Crash.”
If “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp,” it was harder for us in the audience having to watch all that bad dancing. (It was like a new show at Disney World: “Ghetto! The Musical That’s Down Wid It.”)
Endless movie montages: Enough already! Hand out the awards! That one clip job? Where they talked about how important it is to see movies on the BIG SCREEN? They might as well have hauled Dakota Fanning onstage, put a gun to her head and threatened to plug her unless people start going back to the multiplex.
The winners: I’m glad “King Kong” got its tech awards. And “Narnia” deserved the makeup trophy. Meanwhile, when the academy nominates best makeup next year, I hope they remember “Hostel” and the Asian chick with the eyeball hanging down her cheek. Now that is pure movie magic!
George Clooney. Like the man needs an award. Rachel Weisz. Cool. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Excellent. And Reese Witherspoon …
Hey, did you see Joaquin Phoenix when she went onstage? Talk about looks-could-kill. But if anybody looked LESS glad than him to see her up there, it was her husband, Ryan.
How long you think that marriage is gonna last — am I right?
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