Access Atlanta > Movies > Blog > Archives > 2005 > December > 16 > Entry
Pound your chest if you love ‘Kong’
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Man, sometimes Christmas really DOES come early — furry, 25-feet-tall and with chunks of dino-meat stuck in its fangs!
So if you haven’t seen “King Kong� yet, why are you wasting time reading THIS!?!? Get yourself a jump-start on holiday cheer and head to Skull Island.
That’s where the tramp steamer called the Venture winds up, carrying a ragtag crew that includes movie director Carl Denham (Jack Black) and playwriter Jack Driscoll (Adrien Brody). That’s about all I’m gonna say about those jokers — who cares? Because also on the ship is Ann Darrow (Naomi Watts).
She’s on board because she’s an out-of-work actress AND ’cause she wears a Size 4 dress, same as the actress that used to work for Carl — till he hightails it out of New York with his camera, film and costumes two seconds before producers can shut his movie down.
There’s a funny line about him trying to find ANOTHER actress, name of Fay, but somebody says she’s busy “doing a picture with RKO.�
If you don’t get the joke, go to Netflix right now and get yourself a movie education, starting with the movies of 1933.
Anyway, Carl has brought everybody to the uncharted Skull Island because he’s heard legends of a big monstery thing there. And he wants to shoot it (camerawise, that is).
Let’s just say he gets more than he asked for, ’cause there’s not just ONE big monstery thing there. Skull Island is the mother lode of dinosaurs, mega-spiders and assorted species of Giant Ick.
Then there’s Kong, the Kahuna bigger than all Kahunas. He grabs Ann up like the cutest Barbie there ever was and takes her to the cozy little spot where he’s pulverized all his previous Barbies. Just when he’s acting like he’s about to add her to the bone pile, Ann does backflips to entertain him. That is, until he gets a little too into her routine and starts poking her around, and she yells, “I said no!�
That’s when you wonder if there’s a couple’s counselor on the island somewhere, because down the road they might decide to see one — like I did with LaDonna, but don’t do it, Kong, it’s a waste of good money.
The ape-and-lady relationship never gets creepy, like it did in the 1976 version, with that Kong peeling Jessica Lange’s tube top down like a choice banana. No, the love affair in the new movie is more like a schoolyard crush, so you don’t have to wonder how the heck Ann and Kong would go about [deleted to adhere to family values].
The best part of the movie — or any movie of this century — is where Kong saves Ann from three T. rexes. I dare you NOT to [whiz on] yourself during this part. Hey, that may happen just because the movie’s so long. Go see it, and take a roll of Bounty.
After he saves her, Kong looks at Ann like, Well, woman? Are you coming or not? And he tosses her up on his shoulder for a ride through the jungle.
Speaking of blonde-tossing, once Kong gets loose in New York, blondes definitely don’t have the most fun when he goes on a rampage, looking for Ann. So many helpless blondes get tossed in this movie, they’re like Gimli the dwarf in “The Lord of the Rings.�
Well, you know what happens in the end, right? And this is the only place that “King Kong� let me down a little.
See, I can buy a two-story ape climbing the side of the Empire State Building. And I can buy him slamming biplanes out of the sky with his bare, um, hands.
But you know, it’s Christmastime in New York City. And Ann is up there with Kong on top of the world’s tallest building in a freezing-cold wind, wearing this next-to-nothing white dress with no bra that I could tell. But there is not a SINGLE hint of a weather report, if you know what I mean.
It’s a little mistake like that that can yank you out of even the best fantasy flick — am I right?
Permalink | Comments (5) | Categories: The 'B' Movie King
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By Deb Smith
December 16, 2005 10:41 PM | Link to this
As a fan of Peter Jackson’s LOTR, I was very disappointed in Kong. It managed to be both ultra-violent and ultra-boring at the same time. The special effects were amazing but the movie lacked real tension and heart. Plus, what’s up with idiotic parents bringing their under-age-10 kids to a movie filled with so much gore, violence, and creepily racist images of dark natives mauling white women? Some of the kids in the audience were clearly upset and crying at what they saw.
By Deb Smith
December 16, 2005 10:52 PM | Link to this
P.S. more about my horrible night seeing Kong: Hey, Jordy “Ray,” how about some advice for dealing with idjit parents who think their little pampered darlings should be allowed to run up and down the aisles, hoot, holler, and kick the backs of other patrons’ seats? I swear, there were three rugrats behind me at “King Yawn” aka King Kong, who seemed to be having neurological problems, or else they were wired with electric dog collars that gave them shocks for some kind of movie research. I finally got tired of getting a low-back massage from their neurotic seat-kicking OCD disorder, and opined to their “parents” (if, by “parents” you mean over-indulged baby boomers who were born at third base but think they got there by hitting a triple,) that mayhaps the rugrats needed some Ritalin. At which point their “parents” called me a name most decent people don’t use in public, especially in front of children and oversized apes. If the movie producers want to know why in the hell most adults aren’t going to theaters any more, I can give ‘em a good list of reasons, starting with the butt-bad rudeness of the movie-going so-called “audience” these days. Damn baby boomers and their spoiled rugrats.
By Mick
December 19, 2005 10:47 AM | Link to this
I give this movie two Thump Thump up! (That was me pounding on my chest) Any fan of the original would love this movie. King Kong looked exactly like a real Silver Back Gorilla- with a chubby tummy and big ole butt.
By Inkie
December 20, 2005 10:16 AM | Link to this
KONG, too long, too snoring…
By Nish
December 21, 2005 9:49 AM | Link to this
This movie was AWESOME!! Special effects were really great. Especially the stampede scene with the dinosaurs-all throughout the movie i kept asking the question “How did they do that?” I’ve never seen the old versions of this, so I didn’t know what to expect. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and jumped in my seat the entire time! This movie was truly a treat for the eyes. I think they did a terrific job with recreating New York city. Round of applause to the cast, and everyone involved with the movie. Fantastic job!!!