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Oscar Ought to Take a Few Tiresome Stars to the Woodshed
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Handsome Movie Guy,
I admire your honesty when offering your opinions of the cinema. I’ll be honest, also, and beg for a stuffed “Racing Stripes” zebra.
I also have an Oscar question for you. After receiving her first Oscar for “Butterfield 8,” Elizabeth Taylor was quoted as saying, “And I had to win it for this (bleep)!” Was the Oscar a gift to La Liz to compensate for the persecution heaped upon her for marrying Eddie Fisher and her survival of the subsequent bout with pneumonia?
Mary Tobias, Peachtree City
Dear Beautiful Dreamer,
Thank you for mentioning the word “Oscar,” because I am now ready to unload about last Sunday’s 77th annual Academy Awards.
To Mr. Sean Penn: Kindly remove the long stick from your nether region because I fear it is rendering you the most unfunny guy in Hollywood. Honestly, Jude Law’s a big boy. He can take a joke.
To Ms. Hilary Swank: Please remove forever the words “I’m just a girl from a trailer park who had a dream” from your lips because
I am physically sick from hearing it over and over again every time you open your mouth. Did you not notice how you were the only person from “Million Dollar Baby” who failed to score a standing ovation? Get a clue - and a new speech.
To Ms. Julia Roberts: I care not one whit that it was Marva’s birthday. I know it’s hard for you to fathom this, but your job as an Oscar presenter is to focus attention on your category’s winner (in this case, Clint Eastwood), not on you and your fabulously glorious life.
To Mr. Don Cheadle: Keep telling yourself, “the glory is in the nomination.” Yes, we’re all still angry that you’ve been overlooked for years and just now finally got a nomination. Unfortunately, it’s Ray Charles’ year. And Jamie Foxx was just too good.
Thank you, Mary. Your patience is superb, and I now feel much better.
Ah, now to answer your question …
“Butterfield 8” is a campy, mostly bad movie, but Elizabeth Taylor, who plays the slip-wearing New York call girl with the outrageous name - Gloria Wandrous - is pretty good in it. Yes, she trashed the film verbally, in part because she was under contract and had to do that film before she could start working on “Cleopatra,” which was about to make her the highest-paid actress in Hollywood.
Personally, I’d rather watch “Butterfield 8” anytime over “Cleopatra.”
Anyway, three years before she made “Butterfield,” husband Michael Todd died in a plane crash. Taylor sought solace from Todd’s best friend, Eddie Fisher, who was then married to Debbie Reynolds.
You know where we’re going here. Taylor married Fisher in May 1959 and began filming “Butterfield” in January 1960.
As far as the Oscar, I imagine it had less to do with Fisher, who by the way co-starred in the film, than it did her illness. Plus, she had been nominated for Oscars and lost for films released in 1957 (“Raintree County”), 1958 (“Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”) and 1959 (“Suddenly Last Summer”).
News of her illness was very big, and one month before the Oscar ceremony, she had to have an emergency tracheotomy to save her life. The scar was reportedly visible at the Academy Awards.
In other words, Oscar wouldn’t be Oscar if she didn’t get a statuette after all that.
Alan
P.S. One stuffed “Racing Stripes” zebra is headed your way. Even better, an “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirt, too.
Dear Mr. Smithee,
While playing Trivial Pursuit (20th anniversary edition), I came across a card that made my eyes pop out of my head so that I resembled Marty Feldman in “Young Frankenstein”! The question I read to my daughter was: “What fictional director is credited with box-office bombs like ‘Ghost Fever,’ ‘The O.J. Simpson Story’ and ‘Bloodsucking Pharaohs of Pittsburgh’?” The answer, surprising to she and I alike, was “Alan Smithee.”
Were you aware that you had made it into one of the most popular games of all time? If so, do you get a royalty every time the question is uttered in a game? Just wondering!
Gillian Burr, Atlanta
Dear Catch-22,
To answer your question: You now owe me $50.
Alan
P.S. You get a “The Pacifier” pacifier and two “Ask Alan Smithee” T-shirts. (How could I possibly neglect your daughter?)
Have a question for Mr. Smithee?
E-mail him at alansmithee@ajc.com or go to accessAtlanta.com and click on Movies. Please include your name, city and daytime phone number. Mr. Smithee can’t reply to every request, but inquiries chosen for publication will receive movie-related prizes.
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