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Monday, April 14, 2008
Working through death of a dear one
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I don’t think you can do justice to the subject of death in a paragraph or a blog, but I do want to share a story and get your feedback.
I recently spoke with an acquaintance of mine, Vicki, whose 36 year-old daughter, Kim, died suddenly of a heart-related problem in January of 2007.
Kim was divorced and the mother of two teenagers, a boy and a girl, and according to her mother, was in excellent health.
Vicki learned of her daughter’s death via a phone call from Kim’s ex-husband while she (Vicki) was on vacation.
The phone rang around 9:30 a.m. and this is how the call went:
“’Vicki, I have bad news. Kim passed away last night.’ I didn’t believe it. I’ll never forget those words he told me. I said what do you mean? And he repeated himself. It took my breath away. I had all kinds of feelings going through my head and I thought this can’t happen, she was my only child. I was in total shock and disbelief.”
In the months following Kim’s death, Vicki visited her daughter’s grave marked with two silver plastic pinwheels and a big yellow flower pinwheel, nearly every day for four months. Daily visits turned into every-other-day-visits. And as time went on, the visits became less frequent.
“I didn’t care what happened to me, I just wanted to die and go to heaven. There were weeks and months that I felt like that and I just didn’t care about anything. Losing a child is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.”
By October Vicki said “things started getting a little better.”
“My grandchildren (who were living with her) helped keep me busy.”
On Kim’s birthday, Sept. 11, Vicki spent the entire day sitting on the bench by her daughter’s marker.
Some friends came by with birthday cards and flowers. One even brought a Dr. Pepper, Kim’s favorite soft drink.
“All that made me feel good because you’re afraid people will forget. And the pinwheels were spinning like crazy which reminded me that she knew I was there.”
But during all those visits to the cemetery, something else was happening - an idea was brewing.
“I’d see the families drive up in their cars and go to their markers and I’d go and talk to them. In my heart I just wanted to comfort them and I just thought I could help them and they could help me.”
The prospect of working in a place where others were dealing with death was in fact very appealing to Vicki.
And so the search was on.
About a month ago Vicki was hired as an office manager at a Fayette County funeral home.
“Working here has made me stronger. I know some people find it strange and some don’t even like to go to funeral homes, but it makes me feel closer to my daughter. I can relate to what they are feeling. I understand the pain, loss and emptiness that people feel. I know my daughter wants me to stay healthy and move on as best I can and I know she’d be proud knowing that I’m doing this. I really enjoy getting up and going to work. I just feel like I’m helping others.”
When Vicki told me this story, it made me reflect on how I dealt with death- my mother’s and father’s, specifically.
Clearly the loss of a parent or an elderly person, is a different kind of pain, compared to the loss of a child.
But I found her choice of work really unique and something to admire.
Vicki’s loss is still new and yet she found it in her heart and soul to reach out to others and share her pain.
It’s working for her. Now what about you? What has helped you get through the loss of a family member or friend?
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